The TP
Cronicles: Retired Husband at Walmart
Subject: This is What Happens When You Retire
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have
considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of
our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below:
____________________________________
MEMO: RE: Mr.
Bill Fenton
Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares..... and
watched what happened.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.
8. September 23: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
9. October 4: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
10. November 10: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 3: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk
if he knows where the antidepressants are.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
14. December 21: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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